her story

I’ve shared our story of hope. Of infertility. Of waiting. Praying for this child for many years. A story filled with so much light even through some very dark days. .

There’s more to her story. A part I never want to forget. Almost nine years ago I was pregnant with our third child. I had miscarried before getting pregnant with her. My husband was very busy at that point with his military career. He was called away on several deployments. Leaving us alone for months at a time. .

For most of our married life, we dreamed and talked about having four children, yet at that point our family felt very full. I was doing so much on my own. Our older two children were only 5 and 2 and many days I was overwhelmed. After talking to the doctor and knowing I would be having a third c-section, somewhere in my mind, I decided that during that c-section I would get my tubes tied. Fast forward months later, I suddenly became very ill and I was taken by ambulance to deliver our baby girl almost two months early. My husband and I had never really had the opportunity to discuss the tubal. In fact, we had always had different views on it. He was not in agreement with it; feeling we should leave this decision in God's hands. We didn’t pray and seek God’s discernment on this huge decision together; yet in my desperation, in the haste of all that was going on, in my extreme sickness and emotional state, I signed the papers to have the tubal during the c-section. 

I will never forget the feeling in my stomach, after having the tubal and all the medicine had worn off, the moment I realized what I had done. The loss I felt. The loneliness in that decision and situation.

Years would pass, yet I never fully let go of those regretful feelings. We prayed, giving those feelings to God time and time again. We waited. After many years and many prayers, I had a tubal reversal. Even after the surgery, years would pass as we faced infertility. We finally found peace knowing, no matter what the outcome, we had followed God. We had completely given this prayer to Him. One month after all of our failed infertility treatments, I became pregnant with this sweet girl, who would then be born almost five weeks early on Christmas night. 

Yes, her story is filled with hope, but her story is also one of mercy and redemption. Of God’s amazing grace. His healing and His never ending love. I am reminded to take everything to Him in prayer. To give my life to Him to lead because truly my life is His.

As I look at her, as I love her, I am overwhelmed by the love God has shown us. I realize that we did nothing to deserve this child of ours. I realize that every story doesn't end like this. There is waiting that seems to never end. There is pain that seems unstoppable. There is hope that is lost. It is through Christ and His unyielding, undeserved love, that we can rejoice through every pain and every sorrow. It is through Him that we will find purpose in the waiting. Comfort in the pain. And mercy, for we deserve nothing, yet He continues to love us. As we get closer to the day of her birth, the day we will also celebrate Christ’s birth, I sing these same words, that Mary sang so many years ago: “My soul glorifies the Lord, and my soul rejoices in God my Savior."

we've all been there

Last weekend we were at Disney and I accidentally hit another mother with my stroller while coming out of the bathroom with our girls. Immediately, I told her how sorry I was. She graciously smiled and said:

Don’t worry about it. We’ve all been there!

I kept thinking about her kindness and her words all day. Wishing we could all be more like that. In all situations. 

Why do we constantly worry so much about what others are doing? How they are parenting. How they are living. Worrying about things that have nothing to do with us or our families. 

On the other side, as mothers, as parents, it can often feel like we are on display to everyone around us. Our loved ones. Strangers. Everyone we are around. It seems like people have an opinion, good or bad, on every decision we make. 

I am reminded over and over again that God created each of us with our own unique beauty. Our unique strengths, gifts and weaknesses. We are all different; yet, He calls us to love each other unconditionally. To be His light to one another.

Next time we see that mama or family struggling with something or choosing a different path than we would. Instead of thinking about all the ways we would have done things differently. Why don’t we just offer love and acceptance? Why don’t we just think “we’ve all been there”. .

Because in one way or another we have. 

letting go

We were away for the weekend and while driving home, my husband and I were talking about how different life is parenting our fourth child at almost 2 compared to when our first, now 13, was the same age. 

What a gift it is to be able to see life at this point with fresh eyes. There’s a fullness that I feel. A way of being able to really be in the moment. Not always looking ahead. Not always worrying every detail to death. Just seeing this time with a beauty I would often miss years ago. 

I’ve learned to let go and through that letting go, I’ve learned to really enjoy today. .
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She misses a nap. Life keeps going. .
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She wants to sit at the table and not in a high chair. She still eats. .
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She never wants to be dressed. She always takes out her hair clip. She’s a beautiful mess; smiling, singing and laughing through her days. .
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She spills her grape juice again. Because she doesn’t think she needs a sippy cup. It cleans up.

I cherish our days together. Always by my side in the kitchen, playing in the sink or the cabinets, while I cook or do dishes. Trips to the grocery store, watching her say hi to everyone we pass. Tagging along with her siblings and their friends. Running after them at every soccer game, just like she’s one of the gang. Snuggling me at bedtime and telling me “love you” for the first time.

These toddler days are some of the most wonderful. If I could sit down and talk to the mom 10 years behind me... I would tell you to let go a little. Or a lot. To be in these moments and enjoy them because they will be gone in what feels like the blink of an eye. The details that don’t seem to be going just right. They will all be okay. Life is messy. But goodness, it’s so beautiful when you really look carefully at that mess. In one week from today, she will turn two. I thank God for the gift of her and for the opportunity to really see what truly matters.

being present

We’ve been trying out different sugar cookie recipes this year and yesterday we found our favorite so far.

And we might have gotten just a little carried away with the flour snow?! Yes, we created a huge mess, but goodness we laughed and laughed.

Mamas, I hope you are taking time, especially this season, to laugh. To be in these moments. Too often we get caught up in so many details, trying to make everything just right. We can miss some of the most beautiful memories if we don’t remember to slow down. I’m learning that so many of those details don’t honestly matter. Not compared to the gift of being present. 

unconditional love

I was driving to our daughter’s soccer game this weekend, listening to a sermon on the radio, when I heard the following statement.

“Live God’s assignment for you, but don’t assume it’s God’s assignment for them.”

Such a powerful message for parents. What freedom we can give our children through living out these words. Letting them find their path. Accepting them unconditionally when they make choices different than we did or do. 

I’m quite certain there are many adults still living with unnecessary, yet such real guilt. Feeling not enough because they chose a different path than their parents. Or maybe living with regret because they never followed their own dreams or what they felt God calling them to in fear of disappointing their parents. 

We are given such a gift in parenthood. One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is to love them unconditionally, guiding them to find discernment over God’s purpose for their life. Similar or different than our own... it is theirs. 

longing

Two weeks from today she will turn two. These days have been a blissful blur filled with abundant love and unyielding grace and growth. Honestly, it’s hard to remember a time without her as part of our family. 

Yet, as I look at her, tears will often stream down my face. The emotions still so raw. I remember the pain I felt. Crying in the bath at night, crying in the car, crying in bed when no one else would see. My heart longed for her. There was a feeling I could never really explain to other people. Like a piece of me was missing. I had so much to be grateful for in our three children, yet this longing never stopped. 

Last night, six young women and myself discussed how Jesus has been fully present in His relationship with each of us. 

I am always reminded of the years we spent praying and waiting for her. The years we endured so much from infertility, a high-risk pregnancy, and a premature delivery. Yes, I can look all around and see people with such easier stories. But I thank God for the plan He had with her. Those struggles and uncertainties. Those tears and those days of feeling so alone. He made Himself known. He was fully present through all of it. Growing me. Growing our family. Teaching us so much about His love and grace. 

I am often taken back to that Christmas night when she arrived five weeks early; our miracle in so many ways. And I am reminded that He is always near. So often in our struggles, we are tempted to ask: “where are you God?” Instead, may we all use these times to see and feel Him and His presence in ways we may have otherwise never experienced. 

together

When they look back on their childhood, I hope they remember it something like this. .
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A beautiful picture of togetherness; of light and love shining amidst all of our imperfections. .
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The truth is, this picture, this reality, didn't just happen by chance. .
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My husband and I will celebrate 19 years of marriage next year. These years have not come with ease or certainty. We have been through so much together. We have experienced joys that have surpassed anything I could have ever dreamed for, but we have also experienced heartache and trials. We have been through separation and war. We have been through death and loss. We have been through sickness and infertility. 

We have struggled and argued and shared many unkind words. We didn't arrive here together by chance. No, it is only through our devotion to God and each other, that He brought us here. It has taken a lot of grace and humility. It has been years of lessons learned. Day by day, we are still learning the true meaning of sacrificial love. Together and as parents. 
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Now with four children, the life we live as a family, the life we want our children to remember, takes a lot of intentionality. 

It means making decisions that aren't always easy. Decisions that mean we are different at times than what the world deems normal. We've said no to things when it would have been a lot easier to say yes. But these "no's" have guarded our children and this small season of life they experience called childhood. These "no's" have given us space and time to be together. To truly create community within our home. 

Family life has meant sacrifice and balance. 

No, we didn't just get here by chance. Decisions have been made and prayers have been prayed that brought us to this place today. It took me time to realize the value of intentionality. While, I could name hundreds of things I am struggling with and infinite ways I could do better as a wife and mother, I am learning the power of love and grace. I am learning that as God grows our family, He is also growing me. We will struggle and we will fall. But we will also triumph and find joy.

As our children look back on these days, together as a family, my greatest prayer is that they felt love. That this place, we intentionally prayed for and created, was a place they knew they always belonged. 

Mamas, I know each one of you are striving to create a place for your children. A place they will remember and cherish. And I know it isn't easy. I know there are days you feel like you are failing in a million ways. I know that some days you feel like you aren't enough. That you can't provide enough. Can we all find peace in knowing that none of us are enough in ourselves, on our own, without Him? We don’t have to do it on our own, but we must be intentional about asking Him to guide us. And I promise, He will. 

new rhythm

Three months ago, I stood in this same place. Tears running down my face. It was our first day back to homeschooling. And the day had felt like mass mayhem. I realized life was in a new season with four ranging from 13 to 1, but I hadn’t quite realized how this would look day to day with schooling. Our toddler suddenly seemed so busy and quite loud. 

We knew in our hearts that this was God’s plan for our family. This was the start of year seven homeschooling and I knew there would be some adjusting as we found our new rhythm. But the truth is, that place of growth and change can feel so hard. It can feel never ending. 
We leaned into God. My husband and I both prayed through those growing pains. In the middle of it, she decided to cut her three hour afternoon nap shorter. Fall activities began and there were days that felt so challenging.

And now, three months later, through the daily ebb and flow, we have found this beautiful rhythm. There are days she joins us at the school table. There are days we take school outside while she does chalk. There are days she plays endlessly in the sink while we do math. The older kids take turns playing with her at times and thankfully she has found her way back to napping. We still have days that we decide to stop what we are doing...knowing there is always tomorrow. 

My husband and I have seen God’s affirmation about this lifestyle choice for our family over and over again. When we follow His plan, we aren’t guaranteed easy, but He will provide a way, in His time. I’ve been able to reflect a lot the past few weeks and my heart overflows with gratitude and peace. To be right here today. 

Mamas, you may not homeschool, but I would imagine you have your own life rhythms that have changed or are changing. Don’t quit seeking Him. He wants to hear from us—about all the big things; but also about all these daily intricacies. I know on those long days, when nothing seems to feel right, it can feel so lonely. But you aren’t alone. And as He gently guides you to your new daily flow, there will be a beauty that you hold onto with new appreciation. 

dreams

Last week one of my nieces joined us for dinner. Somehow we got on the topic of the future. She was telling me how she wanted to live in the mountains when she grew up. And then I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up. In her most matter of fact seven year old voice she told me she wanted to be like her mom. That she would take care of her family. My heart swooned for a moment over the sweet words she shared. 

Our daughters are growing up in a generation that has a loud singing chorus of “girls can do anything.” It’s quite amazing for our girls to be growing up in a time when their dreams can be limitless. A time where the possibilities truly are endless. Yet, there is something that always tugs at my heart. Something I also want our girls to know. 

I want our girls to know it’s okay to dream of being a mother. To dream of having a family to take care of. I want them all to know that dream is enough. It doesn’t require more. 
Not everyone will have this dream. Some will have dreams of careers and some will have dreams of playing professional sports. Some will dream of going overseas and serving. Some will be mamas and do other amazing things at the same time. 

But should our girls find themselves at home, as mothers, serving their families, I never want them to question their identity. God has a purpose and plan for each one of us. I never want them to feel like they are “just a mother.” I hope they will know the value of their role. The importance and gift they have been given. 

For years, I had dreams of what I would be one day, how my life would look. I formed so many ideas based on what I thought sounded good or would look good. Nothing has ever come close to the path, the journey God has led me on as a wife and mother. I am grateful for all the unrealized dreams that led me right here. And I can’t wait to see where God leads each of them. 

a growing connection

You had a hard time adjusting when your baby sister was born. You had been the baby of our family for over six years. We had thought for many years you were our last child and we held tight to you as each phase passed. 

And then after many years of praying, many years of dreaming, she joined our family. There were days you told me that you wished it was how it had been before she arrived. Days you told me you wished you were still the baby. 

It seemed instantly that she bonded with Bubby and Sissy...but it took you guys a bit longer. Slowly, you started paying more attention to her. You began to help with her and then as she grew day by day, week by week, you began playing with her. Now, we all hear her yelling La La, La La; searching for you , demanding that you join her outside. Your heart has opened wide for her. You are compassionate and you love her in such a special way. I see it, we all see it daily. 

Some days, I want to scoop you up and tell you that I’m so sorry you aren’t still the baby. But the truth is, if you were still the baby, you would have missed so much.

What God has given you in your sister is far better than being the baby of the family. You have a friend for life. And truth be told, a sister is so much more than just a friend, she is a part of you. You will share more than you can even imagine right now. You will see this all clearly one day. What you know now is only a glimpse of what is to come. 

For now, I’m so grateful to see this beautiful bond growing. I love you both so much. 

this Christmas season

Two years ago, I was on bed rest the entire Christmas season, until Christmas night when she arrived over a month early. I spent part of that time in the hospital and part of it at home. I will never forget the loneliness and sadness I felt during those days in the hospital. I longed to be home as a family with my husband and our three children. I longed to connect with those I loved. When I finally got released, I had strict orders to stay in bed. Consequently, that Christmas, everything was simplified. There was no other option. It made me slow down in ways I appreciate so much. We snuggled a lot. Watched movies together and listened to a lot of Christmas music.

Now, two years later, I use those days and the simplicity we discovered as a guide. The Christmas season offers us all so much to do, to buy, to make. Everywhere we look we can find advent ideas, random acts of kindness ideas, present ideas, invitations for one event after the next. And in all of these wonderful ideas and events , we can easily become lost. 

I have found that there is a balance that we must find as a family. That saying no to many things, even good things, creates time and space for us to connect more. I find that there is such beauty in the simple unexpected daily connections. This week while making lunch one afternoon, I watched as our four children sang and danced to Christmas music in the kitchen. We sat and talked about who we could pray for this season; who God wants us to see, that perhaps we haven’t noticed. Our teenage daughter helped me decorate amidst beautiful conversation. We spontaneously made ornaments with our cousins. This weekend our home will be filled with college kids as we celebrate Christmas together before they have exams. 
I love this season and I cherish the traditions and celebrations so much, but I’ve learned to really appreciate the love and connections surrounding these days. 

Mamas, let’s not lose sight of WHAT we are celebrating. WHO we are celebrating. Let’s give ourselves and our families time to marvel in the wonder of our Savior’s birth and His love. Let’s pick the traditions we love most and let’s give ourselves grace to say no to others. No to the frenzy the world adds to this holiday. Let’s find time to connect, truly connect, with those we love the most. This will look differently for me and for you. Don’t let the season turn into another list of obligations or tasks to check off a list. There’s such beauty when we make time to see and feel the wonder that comes with Christmas. I pray that in the weeks ahead we can all experience this wonder. And through this wonder, I pray that we will all see more of Him in our daily life.

preemies

“There is the truth: Blessed-lucky-are those who cry. Blessed are those who are sad, who mourn, who feel the loss of what they love-because they will be held by the One who loves them. There is a strange and aching happiness only the hurting know-for they shall be held.” -ann voskamp, the broken way
 

 

A little over a week ago it was #worldprematurityday. Years ago, this day had little significance to me, but that all changed in 2009 when our daughter was born almost two months early. In 2015, our youngest daughter was also born prematurely. 

These two share similar stories; yet, each are uniquely their own. 

I walked through dark valleys that changed me in ways I will forever be grateful for. Days that were filled with uncertainty, fear, and loneliness. 

Those days made me realize and feel God’s presence in ways I had not known. When life is always going easy, it is easy to say you have faith. But to really know that faith that we often talk about, is truly a gift. Years later I can see the beautiful way God was writing my story through those trials.

To the mama that just found out her baby will be delivered earlier, much earlier, than expected.

To the mama who has no idea, no answer for when her baby will get to come home with her.

To the mama that keeps thinking this isn’t the way you had envisioned things. 

To the mama that feels so alone. That wonders if she could have done something different.

Mama, you are not alone. There is a God who loves you and holds you and feels you. He has a purpose through all things. One day it will all be abundantly clear. You may always feel pain and feel sorrow as you remember these days, but in time you will also see light, beauty and grace weaved through it all.

palm trees and christmas trees

the best days

A day filled with dances in the kitchen, crafts in the school room, cookie making, tea parties in the tree, bare feet, breezes from the back porch, conversations across the table, kids running in and out and a house full of noise. 

My heart is full tonight. Grateful for days overflowing with evidences of childhood in all directions. 

Grateful to be right here, right, now. This beautiful season of motherhood.

nourishing our souls

There’s beauty to be found everywhere and I don’t want to be too busy or too distracted to notice.

Before I realized it this morning, I had let my to do list take over. I began thinking of tasks I wanted to get done. Groceries that needed to be picked up. And a house that had quickly fallen apart over the weekend that needed tending. 

I didn’t stop to work on my devotion. To nourish my soul through time with God. I didn’t stop to go for my morning walk. I just got busy. And I quickly became agitated and bossy and it didn’t take long until even I didn’t like myself. 

Some days, I have to stop. Reset. And cling to the moments of stillness I can find. I need this and our kids need this. I want to stop and hear their stories. I want to look them in the eyes and affirm them. Let them know they are loved. That they are more important than a list or a clean home. 

Yes, mamas we have responsibilities that must be met. But nourishing our souls. Finding space to see the beauty of our lives each day. That is where I want to be. Thriving, enjoying and living life. Not just getting by, as I make my way down a list.

teens

I used to be so afraid of having a teen. As I watched each year pass, I felt like the best of days were being left behind. That somehow the little years were all there was. I saw teens and I didn’t really know how I would relate as a mother.

Now, I can see the real beauty of every season. These teen years are full of so much life and so much love. Meaningful, heart-filled conversations. Reminders constantly to live fully in the moment. And this closeness that all the years prior has brought us to today. It really is such a gift navigating this time. 

And then the other special part, is getting to know their friends. The people they love. Today, my heart is filled with gratitude. Hours were spent at the beach while I did a shoot for a children’s catalog. These two were an amazing blessing as they chased our almost two year old up and down the beach in the sun. 

Teens. They really are pretty awesome!!! 

A portrait at almost two

why I stay

It seems to be that more and more people are sharing that they have left social media because they walk away feeling not enough, anxious, jealous, depressed, distracted, alone. Choosing to take a break or leave altogether. 

I get it. I understand why. I rarely have time to scroll through my feed to see the images and the "stories" that people share. Yet, when I do, I often see a very scripted world. I see people sharing bits of a life that looks so amazing, yet, I know that it is just that. Pieces of a life. And I can't tell you how many times, I've seen young girls, the age of our oldest, sharing selfie after selfie. Posing and just begging to be seen. As I take time and really look around, I often wonder what is the purpose behind it all.

There's a myriad of reasons for why I could honestly walk away and not look back; yet there is something that keeps me here. And that is the community I have found in women, mothers and other artists. I talk about this in my Expressions of Motherhood breakout and we've been discussing it as a group. There is so much to be learned and gained from one another by being authentic. It has been such a gift, to express and share my motherhood journey with so many other mothers. To connect with ladies across the world that share both similar and strikingly different backgrounds; yet, women who can relate. I want to encourage each of you, to challenge yourself. To be more open. To be more honest. 

When I say all of this, I am not saying to never share your joy. To never share beautiful images. I am not saying that social media should just be a place to complain or share pain either. I realize so many people are guarded and private and each person has their own reason for having social media. And I respect that 100%, I do. I am not judging anyone and gracefully apologize if it sounds that way. 

What I am want to do is to encourage you. To think about what you are sharing. What are you saying as you share that image or that story? And why? Are you just looking down an empty well for fulfillment; through likes or comments. 

Social media isn't the only place that we aren't always being authentic. Social media is just the one that seems to be most visible these days. As mothers, as women, how often do we put on a mask to those we see. At the school drop off line. At the grocery store. When we invite people into our homes. How often do we put on an appearance that everything is okay? The older I have gotten, the more and more I realize how much I crave authenticity. I rather skip past all the surface level talk and really know the heart of you. And I want you to stop and do the same. I want to listen to your triumphs but I also want you to be comfortable enough to share your struggles. I want you to know you are NOT ALONE. Don't we all just want to know that we aren't alone? 

I will leave you today with these words from Rachel Macy Stafford. May each of us strive to remember, someone else may be waiting, to know they aren't alone. I believe social media can be a beautiful thing. It starts with each of us. 

“The tears that streak your face at the most inopportune times of the day, at the most inappropriate moments, are the lines of your story. Each time you own them, someone else is not alone in his or her story. Your jumbled mess, whether whispered as a prayer to one or shouted in desperation to thousands, could be the message someone needs right now. And perhaps by sharing, your pain will ease, your hope will grow, your tomorrow will look a little brighter” 

National best friends day.

You all  informed me that today was National Bestfriends Day. You had  fun playing with your neighborhood buddies and as always baby sister was waiting for your arrival home. Standing at the door as soon as you left saying "bubba bubba ... ee ee ee ee"

I'd say in her world, you are most certainly her best buds who she adores and looks up to so much. It's pretty neat watching you all love each other. 

And do you see those blue skies? The sun returned to Florida today!

Sidewalk paint.

It has rained for days here, but we get outside as fast as we can in between storms. Thankful for the rain, but missing our Florida sunshine. 

Today, we made this sidewalk paint that took all of five minutes to make and provided over an hour of fun. Much needed fresh air for all of us. 

Love watching this little bit become curious about exploring with art. Will be doing lots more of these fun messy activities this summer.